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27 March 2007

Lester learns the benefits of sobriety

Imagine the surprise.
Lester awakens, shocked to feel Geraldine’s sweaty ass sliding slowly up and down his back as her bulbous body oozes over the edge of his twin bed. She rolls over and swings a queen-sized arm around her trembling lover. He surveys the floor with his crusted eyes for the evidential prophylactic. And there it lies, and he inhales and gags on the burnt-rubber stink that hangs in the air. Tries to recall last night’s romance, but Geraldine murmurs into his ear, This is the start of something beautiful, breaking his concentration.
She purrs and licks earlobe. He winces. Snores and mumbles, hopes Geraldine won’t realize he’s up. Her loving caress persists; twirls the hair around his nipple ‘til it’s a taut little string and pulls the wound-up whorl between her chubby fingers. He jerks. Didn’t realize you were awake, darling, she coos. So he snores louder now, only rousing her to exert more forceful love.
Shoves Geraldine off of the bed. Thinks, poor floor; that must smart. Props the door open and rolls her out, leaves her in a heap on the welcome mat. Slams the door and sighs aloud. Good riddance, Geraldine! But she calls in falsetto through the thick mahogany, See you soon, sweet Lester!
Three weeks prior, his resolute gestures of unrelenting rejection were all for naught. Couldn’t make it stick in that lardy brain of hers. Seven grandmothers died in vain; Lester’s purity could not be protected. Against the odds, Geraldine had busted through his belt with an alcoholic jackhammer. Nothing could stop that hurricane! And Lester’d been devastated by the unnatural disaster.
The building shakes as an enamored Geraldine skips home. Gorges herself with pancakes and ice cream and bacon. Daydreams between chews and supposes it’d be sweet to sew a stuffed toy for her darling. Fashions a bear out of felt and stuffs the little guy with condoms and candy. Puts a mix tape in his pocket and decides to drive back to deliver him to Lester. He hears the knock, but she’s disappeared when he answers – playing ding-dong bitch. All that’s left is that damned bear, loaded with lubricated promises. He hits his head against the doorframe. Throws the thing like a hand-grenade about to blow. Goddamnit Geraldine! It explodes on the pavement, leaking licorice and latex.
He tries to break things off a couple times but the thick girl stays smitten, giggles, Look at that Lester, playing hard-to-get! Clasps her hands and pulls them to her heart as she swoons.
At last straw, Lester hops a plane to Havana and hides in-hut all winter. Hopes Geraldine’s forgotten their night of passion like he has and refuses the piña coladas offered by locals. Lesson learned, laments Lester.

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